Monday, February 28, 2011

A Declaration of War: Part 2

When we set the internet ablaze a little while ago with some harsh words for a couple of a arrogant Hollywood superstars, we let everyone know that the dickhead above would be next. Now it's time.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage. Look at this thing. It's like a neon and bearded supernova exploded and spilled onto an attention-starved cowboy, and this damn fool was born. If you've heard it "talk," then you're familiar with its feeble-minded persona. The more it opens its mouth, the dumber the world feels. Just for shits and giggles, take a peek at its rap(!) lyrics (aimed at the slightly less ridiculous Hulk Hogan):

Hollywood Hulkster, you're at the end of your rope,
And I'ma kick ya in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap,
Cuz like Rodney Dangerfield you gets no respect,
So come, Hulk, let's wreck so I can put you in check.

Let it be known that there are no typos in the above "rhymes." Just poor diction and stupidity at its purest. We know, it can't be ALL DOES champion Slim Jims, so that's gotta count for something (Savages LIKE Slim Jims). That aside, it's a complete disgrace to the Savage name even on looks alone...and is hereby banished from Savage Kingdom. We leave you with this parting revelation:

Hey, I thought the Old Man Marley post was earlier...

Home Alone Perspective: Old Man Marley

1920s:            Be born as Baby Marley

early 1930s:   Get beat repeatedly by stone-cold iron father in his attempt to "toughen up the child"

mid 1930s:     Discover advanced natural talent to wield snow shovel as weapon

late 1930s:     Murder stone-cold iron father and two clerks at Woolworth's over unfortunate incident regarding a shovel.  Eat father's heart.   Appoint self Young Man Marley.   Go on the lam.

1940s:            Spend time in Chicago-area sewers living off of rats and homeless people to avoid Johnny Law.

1950:              Write beautiful poetry in Martha's Vineyard.  

1950s:            Spend time in Chicago-area sewers living off of rats and homeless people to avoid Johnny Law.

early 1970s:   Shave, go legit and get job at hardware store in Chicago suburbs

1976:              Develop affinity for young boys and buy house in Chicago suburbs

1980s:            Transform into Old Man Marley...begin creepily leering at Kevin McAllister.  Consummate secret butt-affair with Buzz.   Buy Buzz a tarantula.

1990:             Freak neighborhood kids out in attempt to lure Kevin into trap.   Constantly and conveniently be out in yard when Kevin is outside.   Stare in Kevin's window. Even more conveniently be at church when Kevin is there.  Get wood.  Speak to Kevin and make up story about granddaughter and not talking to son.       Follow Kevin home.   Create entire robbery scheme (including paying off robbers) simply to be able to "rescue" Kevin from the bad men.   Bring Kevin home so as not to scare him off just yet.   Pay actors to pose as son and family so Kevin can see "the reunion".   Leer at Kevin one last time for now, as if to say "This spider just caught hisself a fly.."

2001:             Move to Costa Rica with Buzz after repeated failed attempts at wooing Kevin McAllister.

Things Savages Like: Chili Cheese Dogs

Hot dog? Good.
Chili? Good.
Chili Dog? Good.
Cheese? Good.
Chili Cheese Dog? Ohhh...

We realize some of you health nuts (crazies) out there may think, "How could you eat that crap?" The answer's simple...quickly and with a shitload of napkins. We'd like to say we savor the taste slowly with each bite...but when one of these bad boys is sittin right in front of you with the perfect level of meat/cheese grease floating atop, it's impossible to resist. Heartburn be damned...for no-holds-barred pigout foods, this one ranks near the top. Just be certain you have a good 4 hours of free time post-eating, because you sure as hell WON'T be going anywhere. So what if you go temporarily's fuckin delicious meat and cheese packed sloppily on a bun...what could be better? Oh...and if you throw some chopped onions into the's basically an orgasm.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Video Game Throwback: Streets Of Rage 2

Who hasn't spent countless hours of their childhood playing this game? And its available on the Wii Virtual Console? Even better. Download complete.

The only problem with it was arguing over who got to be Axel.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Saturday Retro: Fabio Vs. Bird

Nobody actually likes Fabio, right? I know Savages don't. But I'm assuming there are "people" out there that actually get off on his blonde mane, meathead vibe and dumb-as-a-truck persona? Eh, it doesn't matter. You know what DOES matter though? This:

I mean, really, could being hit in the face by a bird while in the front seat of a roller coaster (during media day at a theme park to promote said roller coaster's opening) happen to a funnier person? The guy's a fucking human cartoon. I understand that there's a lot of women (and men) out there who have rubbed one out while squatting over one of his romance novel covers. But I also understand that there's a lot of men (and women) out there who wanted to see him hit in the face with a bird while riding a roller coaster. Well...that happened.

But this begs the question. Who ELSE would Savages like to see hit in the face with a bird while riding a roller coaster? Funny you should ask. For starters: Fred & Ben Savage. Ashton Kutcher. Queen Latifah. The entire cast of The View. Kevin Youkilis. Fergie. Phoebe from Friends. Tyra Banks. The kid from Jerry Maguire. The woman in those Progressive commercials. Celine Dion. The woman in those Progressive commercials for a second time. Those Jonas buttpirates. Most weather guys. That Michael Cera woman. People who stop short in hallways. And last but certainly not least, Janet Reno. I don't like him.

Who else?

Office Space Perspective: Tom Smykowski

1940: get born into a family of heart attacks

1965: buy short sleeve shirt and tie, unaware it will be the only wardrobe ever worn/needed

1966: take nap after being in awe after learning of the genius of the pet rock

1969: after years of brainstorming, steal someone's awful, simpleton idea of a "jump to conclusions mat;" do nothing about it despite own unjustified excitement over idea

1970s: have heart attacks

1980s: have heart attacks

1990: after getting fired from yet another office job, obtain a go-nowhere job with Initech

1993: stress out and eat salty foods while never partaking in physical activity

1995: have heart attacks

1997: barely exist and have secretary do the very few tasks associated with go-nowhere job at Initech

1998: after apparently doing nothing for the better part of the decade, freak out about impending job evaluation

later in 1998: finally open up to co-workers about admiration for inventor of pet rock, as well as claim to have thought of the "jump to conclusions mat;" get dismissively mocked and ridiculed for both

later in 1998: have above-stated job evaluation, become exceedingly angry and flustered, get outed for lack of any responsibility whatsoever, and subsequently get fired with absolutely no production decrease to the company at all

later in 1998: attempt to follow through with half-hearted suicide attempt; come up with lame, disappointing excuse when caught by passionless wife; back out of driveway and get crumbled into a piece of metal, enduring serious injuries

1999: throw party to celebrate injuries; finally consummate "jump to conclusions mat" idea, which turns out to be just as shitty in real life as in imagination

later in 1999: croak of massive coronary

2007: finally get buried after even family forgets to check on existence for 8 years

SavageSpeak: Travolta

Warning: We apologize for the copious amount of male skin in the following post. It's a necessary evil for the purposes of driving home our point. If you're into that sort of're welcome.

Age is a wondrous thing. Almost everyone puts on a few pounds. Only a select few have a full-on Travolta. Allow us to explain. When a male has a "Travolta," they go from a thin-framed body type to a husky, overweight mess, completely passing over "just being out of shape" in the process. The beauty of this term is that it can be a noun or a verb. "Oh, he had a Travolta!" "Look, that gentleman Travolta'd!" If you haven't guessed by now, the term is derived from actor John Travolta. Once upon a time, he was a wiry young guy with very little body fat (see below left). Then, something happened. It's body exploded into the hogbeast you see below on the right:

If you're still unclear on exactly what a Travolta looks like (pfftt, idiot), I present you with a couple of other examples:

Now, sometimes simply having a Travolta isn't enough. Sometimes, one goes from thin to gotta-cut-a-hole-in-the-wall-and-forklift-your-ass-out fat. We introduce you to the incredibly rare..."Brando:"

Oh, and for the ain't gettin off that easy. We got terms for you too (male equivalent in parentheses):

Remini (Travolta)
Liz Taylor (Brando)
Kirstie Alley (Being a Literal Pig)

Feel free to integrate these SavageSpeak terms into your everyday conversations. You can sound clever while not compromising your natural inclination to poke fun at others. Just make sure you get it in never know who it'll happen to next...

Excuses NOT To Hang Out With You

Savages are dicks, if you haven't noticed already.    So whenever somebody asks you to hang out with them (or make out with them as the case may be), whether it be creepy stalker or annoying acquaintance, we thought we'd take the pressure off you and provide you with some ready-made excuses.  You're welcome.   Because who wants to hang out with morons anyways?

They all start the same.    Well....I'd love to, but:

-I have to run for political office
-I have to host a telethon
-I have to get my period
-I have to rewrite the lyrics to "Are You Gonna Go My Way"
-I have to pee my pants
-I have to drive my grandmother across the street
-I have to wonder what it's like to have the blues
-I have to name my appliances
-I have to have a staring contest
-I have to make people uncomfortable
-I have to dry-hump the dog
-I have to cut the nipples out of my shirts
-I have to run away with the circus
-I have to do surveillance of the local public restrooms
-I have to write my weekly letter to Bon Jovi
-I have to see if somebody more important called
-I have to clean my aluminum foil
-I have to count my sesame seeds
-I have to buy erasable pens
-I have to learn how to read
-I have to be seduced in a Jeff Goldblum movie
-I have to respond to a wedding invitation
-I have to join a support group
-I have to watch my back goatee grow
-I have to put all my clocks back 3 hours and 42 minutes
-I have to finish my science experiment
-I have to take pictures of my dentist
-I have to put my head in the toilet
-I have to see what's in my belly button
-I have to cut napkins into little tiny squares and arrange them
-I have to get the pencil out of my dog
-I have to shit myself
-I have to hang out in the woods by the playground
-I have to replenish my basil
-I have to climb a tree
-I have to shave my canker sore
-I have to drive to Long Island
-I have to wait for my testicle to descend
-I have to do something better
-You scare me and you look like a pedophile

Friday, February 25, 2011

5 Deceivingly Wholesome Sitcom Characters

Sometimes, they live out in the open, barely even trying to hide the fact that they're up to no good (I'm looking at YOU, ice cream men, substitute teachers, and shopping mall Santas). Others, you have to look just a little closer. Although the following sitcom characters may seem harmless, you have to ask yourself, just what the hell is going on behind closed doors? It should also be noted that ALL of them conveniently shoehorn themselves into a life in close proximity to kids.

Wilson from Home Improvement: This guy's a pervert if there's ever been one. If the Taylor kids are outside playing in the yard, you can bet your life that this degenerate is leering over his fence. The fence is also advantageous in that Wilson can hide the fact that he's almost certainly pantless a vast majority of the time. In typical felon fashion, he's cautious never to unveil his entire face at any given moment, and his shabby "dead wife" story is borderline believable at best. He even resorts to classic tactics such as only revealing vague details about his past life, and rarely, if ever, getting laid by an adult throughout almost a decade of screen time. Leaving a trail of emotionally-scarred children in his wake, he shows little to no remorse while dishing out admittedly shitty advice to some idiot in a Detroit Lions T-shirt.

Joey Gladstone from Full House: Oh, what a strange little fella. Between living in a basement under a house full of unrelated children and hosting a kids' show, it's a real stretch of the imagination that this man avoids legal heat for the duration of the show. While proving to be a habitual loser with women, he appears to derive all his pleasure from spending time with people under the age of 9. When you make Bob Saget rank as the "second most frightening outcast of the show," you deserve a place on this list. As sinister as he is goofy, "Uncle" Joey's always willing to sacrifice his free time to visit the Tanner girls in their room wearing only pajamas and a smile.

Mr. Belvedere from (you guessed it) Mr. Belvedere: This fatty proves that even scuzzy Englishmen gotta get theirs. He answers an ad for a "nanny" and follows up by forcing his lavish lifestyle upon an unsuspecting American family. While his simple presence in any given room is enough to give a child nightmares for weeks, he spends the better part of the series pretending to cook and folding the children's unmentionables. His love-hate relationship with the youngest son, Wesley, drives the drama of the series, only to be ultimately cockblocked by Bob Uecker. By the by, did anyone even bother to check this beastly Brit's references?

Charles from Charles in Charge: Just read the theme song's lyrics for chrissakes:

New boy in the neighborhood,
Lives downstairs an
d it's understood.
He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.
Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights
And I sing, I want,
I want Charge in Charge of me.

Really? In charge of their days AND their nights? Their wrongs AND their rights? That's vulgar. And what's "understood?" If it wasn't for Charles' propensity to spend every waking minute with his effeminate-haired, repellent friend Buddy, we'd start to think this 20-something male's career choice of "babysitter" might be suspicious.

ALF from (you guessed it again) ALF: As, we're seeing, the 80's produced some vile sitcom characters, but this asshole might take the cake. Shamelessly schlepping around a child-occupied house completely naked, ALF shows us that some urges can indeed infect even those from other star systems. When he's not devouring feline (take that how you will), he passes his time dishing out uninspired one-liners and passive aggressively pursuing the family daughter. To top it off, at times during the series, he appears to be nothing more than a grown man wearing a poorly-constructed dog suit. How did he even end up living with this family you ask? Oh, he crashed into the garage of course...and upon seeing a goddamn alien in their home, this brood of suckers decided to let this ghoulish wisecracker live in their home indefinitely, never even raising an eyebrow at his astonishingly perfect grasp of the English language. We're left to ponder...did anyone actually catch the name of the planet ALF supposedly came from?

Five Funny Moments In Sports

Sports are awesome, we all love sports.   They give us some triumphant moments in life.   But sometimes, its just more entertaining to look at the soft underbelly of sports.  The idiotic plays and choices some athletes make on the field...the bonehead moves that make us laugh till it hurts...and the situations that leave us scratching our head as to why a mentally handicapped person was signed by a professional league sports team.  Don't worry, athletes "off the field" will definitely get theirs in this blog soon enough (you hear us NBA?), but for right now, let's concentrate on between the lines.   Submitted for your approval...

1. Baseball Meets Meathead

No list of this sort would be complete or legitimate if it didn't begin with Jose Canseco.   Let's start with one of the funniest plays ever.  Picture if you will, May 26, 1993.  Meathead himself in the outfield...and its a long fly ball deep to right field...back back back back back...and what happens?   The ball literally bounces of the Meathead's "head" and goes over the fence for a four-bagger.   It literally couldn't happen to a funnier "person" in sports.  Out of all the places in the world that a baseball could have landed, it decided, by a great twist of fate, to land on probably the most roided up pile of mushy shit in the world.

2. Meathead Tries To Pitch

As if that wasn't enough...three days later Meathead asked his manager to let him pitch in a blow-out.  Obviously one with a sick sense of humor and a penchant for watching people make a fool of themselves, manager Kevin Kennedy agreed.   While "pitching", Meathead injured his arm and was out for the rest of the season, having to undergo Tommy John surgery.

3. Just A Moron

And now, Gus Frerotte.   As far as I know, the only person to ever knock himself out of game and starting position from a touchdown celebration.  In 1997, while on the Washington Redskins, Mister Frerotte scored a touchdown (yeah...i know) and decided to show his jubilation by banging his head into the wall.   All of a sudden...we don't feel so well do we Mister Frerotte?   Concussion.   Knocked out of the game and essentially his starting job with the 'Skins.   Good job, pal...way to think it through.  

4. Sweet Vengeance Of Life

Bill Gramatica has to be on this list, he just has to.   And I have to say, it couldn't happen to a better person.  After having sports fans continually and unwillingly subjected to his (and his brother's) ridiculous soccer-style celebrations after every fucking field goal as if they just won the damn world cup, life found a way to get even.   Bill jumped up to celebrate on a meaningless field goal in 2001 and came down comically hard on his leg, tearing his ACL and falling to the ground in pain.   All NFL fans jumped to their feet like a hockey arena after the home team lit the lamp in overtime, showing no restraint in their satisfaction.    Thankfully, that was basically the beginning of the end for this numbnuts.   He got injured because he had no code.  He got injured because he had no honor.  And God was watching.

5. Ventura Rides The Ryan Express

Last, and certainly not least as there's much more incidents that could have been here, is Nolan Ryan's beatdown of Robin Ventura.  In the 1993 season, Ryan (in his mid 40s mind you) is pitching in his final season.  He hits Ventura (in his mid 20s) with the ball, who proceeds to charge the mound.  Pretty normal so far right?  That's when it took a turn for the worse.  Upon arriving at said mound, Mister Ventura found himself the recipient of an immediate headlock from The Ryan Express.  Ryan then proceeded to rain blows upon Ventura's head, with Ventura acting more like Commodus at the end of Gladiator while Ryan showed how he used to fuck up steers back in Texas.   Result?   Ventura gets ejected from the game and has a lifetime of laughs and snickers thrown his way.  Ryan stays in the game, pitching no-hit ball the rest of the way.

Anyways, feel free to comment and bring up other hilarious incidents.   As long as professional clubs keep signing the mentally retarded, there's bound to be more to come.

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (2)

It's Friday, and you know what that means.   An insightful and thought-provoking nugget of wisdom from everyone's favorite hyperman:


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Things Savages Like: Pizza

As stated in our introductory posts (which were glorious I might add), Savages love food. And what better food is there on the face of the earth (that line will be repeated for any food on a Savage's mind at a given moment) than pizza.  And I'm not talking about that bleeding tomato sauce cake from an unspecified city in Illinois, I'm talking about a delicious slice of culinary heaven from an unspecified city in the Northeast.  In case you haven't noticed, we're trying to not identify any cities directly so we don't put anyone off. But, if you want a clue, the latter above comes from a city that rhymes with zoo fork, while the former comes from a city that rhymes with...shitty pizza.

The cheese...the sauce...the dough...the grease...the red pepper flakes...the trumpets rising in a beautiful melody of satisfaction when you take that first bite.   I must say, any food that you can fold in half and see a puddle of cheese/grease/love down the spine of the fold...well.......hold on I'm having trouble speaking......that's a Savage favorite.   Have you ever just walked into a pizzeria and had to sit down because the smell was just so incredibly awesome?      Uhhhhhhh....neither have I.......I was just asking.  But that's only if you go to the eatery itself, because the amazing thing about pizza is that someone will BRING IT TO YOUR HOUSE.    It boggles the mind.

And the toppings...what type of food is so entirely customizable.   Cheese?  good.   Pepperoni?  good.   Sausage?  good.   Onion?    good.    Mushrooms?  good.    Anchov-......just kidding.   That's vile.

I'm too hungry now to finish the rest of this post.  So in closing, may your pizzas always be greasy and your cheese always be stringy...

The Oracle of Coach Bobby Finstock

He lives by three rules:

1.  Never get less than 12 hours sleep

2.  Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city

3.  Never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body

Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese...

For more great quotes from the coach of all coaches, visit IMDb's Bobby Finstock page

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

7 Annoying Movie Wives

We've all seen enough movies to know the cliches. Sometimes the husband wants to do something glorious, but of course, his wife just nags and obstructs at every turn. Or, sometimes, all the crime and violence is fine as long as the money's on its way...when that out, boy. We're left to think...why is this cool guy (in our minds anyway) fiddling around with this hen? For the one or two female readers, before you accuse us of being misogynistic...hey, we're on your side...we're just sayin, THESE are the women giving you a bad name in cinema. Let's discuss...

"Rocky, you're losing your family!"

Adrian from Rocky: Any list like this HAS to start with this babbling crow. Oh, it might be fine if she threw her little tantrum in one of the movies. But come on, do we really need to see her clipping The Stallion's balls every time he gets the urge to whoop some Soviet ass? Ugly to boot, we find ourselves rolling our eyes constantly and engaging in some restrained jubilation when we find out she's already croaked before the 6th movie. Thought you'd never learn to shut the fuck up.

"You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves,
and then they're forced to change!"

Debbie from Knocked Up: It's challenging to look at anything and everything with a perpetually judgmental expression, but she pulls it off effortlessly. Blessed with a natural excruciatingly-grating voice, she embodies the movie wife who treats her husband like a juvenile idiot (see: any sitcom...ya know, ever) while seemingly doing little else besides soccer momming and condescendingly wenching it up with her equally toxic sister. Granted, most guys are juvenile idiots, but that's what the rest of the blog is for.

"You can't keep trying to rescue me all the time!"

Jenny from Forrest Gump: After pouncing on any and all beatnik-balls in the immediate vicinity while cockteasing our hero from afar for the better part of the movie, she finally gives Forrest the time of day when she's in her final years. Hell, she then goes on to marry him, proving that not even the mentally handicapped are off limits to this broad. If that's not enough, she somehow manages to dump Haley Joel Osment off on Gump as one final act of defiance. Well played, Ginny.

"He's a fugitive and a fucking cocaine dealer!
He's got a kilo in his trunk right now! "

Mirtha from Blow: The very definition of a trophy wife, this gem wanders into the admittedly-sleazy protagonist's life on looks alone. While undeniably hot, a person couldn't possibly get more obnoxious (unless...see above). Yeah, she'll be the loving wife when the cocaine cash is pouring in, but then she'll turn to such admirable tactics like accusing her husband of being a "faggot" and attracting the cops when the money train runs dry. Suddenly, jail doesn't sound half bad.

"I'll sign anything you want me to sign!
I just want the key to my jewelry,
and I want you to let me go!

Ginger from Casino: Okay, so this one isn't THAT much different than the one above (aside from perhaps a slight touch of unidentifiable masculinity). Again, she marries purely for money and cuts out when the going gets tough. Yeah, I know (and agree) that it's no different than the guy who marries a woman for looks and then trades her in for a younger model. That said, when you fuck James Woods and Joe Pesci in the same movie, you're just askin for a place on this list. It doesn't get a whole lot grosser than Pesci-dick.

"No! Marty, we've already agreed that having information
about the future can have disastrous consequences!
Even if you're intentions are good,
it can backfire drastically!"

Doc Brown from Back to the Future:
Constantly the killjoy, he squashes every great idea Marty gets about exploiting time travel for their own gain. If there's a parade to be had, rest assured, this guy will piss on it. When Marty expresses some excitement to spend a week exploring 1955, the "Doc" puts the hammer down and orders his young companion to stay in his house all week. No one likes a control freak, Doc.

"You wanna see me naked?"

Sheila from Exit to Eden:
Cause she's heinous.

SavageSpeak: Barzoon

And now we come to the next type of "person" in SavageSpeak...the Barzoons.   In case you're not familiar with the term itself, it's named after Eddie Barzoon, the attorney in Devil's Advocate (played by Jeffrey Jones) who got the everlovin' shit beat out of him in the park while jogging.  Why, you ask?  Well look at it...

Barzoons are everywhere. You've definitely seen them.   Let's go over some basic traits of the species so you'll feel comfortable identifying them with confidence on your next spotting session.   First, they have to be divorced.  Two divorces helps. This almost always stems from infidelity with some type of administrative professional.    They have to have the HAB (heart attack build - another Savage word).  An actual heart attack in their past is not necessarily a must, but is almost always present by default. They have to think they have a girlfriend.  They have to love it...more than any other drink.  They even might maintain a gym membership to keep up the pretense of health, but in reality they have disgusting bodies and lifestyles.  They have to have a pretty successful office type job, but basically suck at life.  This is one of the reasons why their kids usually keep their distance.  This is one of the reasons why everyone keeps their distance.   Especially that young girl at the bar getting leered at by a Barzoon over his seventh glass of Glenlivet...

The Transgender Transormation of Bon Jovi

Let's go blunt on this one.  Remember when Bon Jovi used to be a man?   And I don't mean in the philosophical sense, I mean in a Savage sense.   Remember when he used to look like a man (for the time) and not a middle-aged lady who may or may not be an ugly lesbian?   Look, I understand everyone gets old and ages, but that doesn't mean you have to cross genders.   Now, if that's your intent, so be it.  I wish you the best of luck if that's who you are.  But when you're not trying to, and we see you one day in the supermarket check-out line on the cover of a woman's boro-magazine looking like you should be the Manhattanite wife in a cancelled 90s sitcom,'re GONNA end up in the canon of Savage targets.  It's just simple cause and effect.

Now, to brush up on our Jovi, we all remember the time where he actually used to rock out, right?   Livin' On A Prayer?   You Give Love A Bad Name?  Wanted Dead Or Alive?   You remember...this guy:

And then...apparently something happened.   Apparently Mister Bon Jovi decided that the girls and the fame and the money just weren't challenging enough.   What if.....what if by jove, he could change genders?!?! Wouldn't that be something.  Maybe if he guest-"starred" on Ally McBeal, that would make him look awesome!  No wait....I know...I know...give up all the flying over the audience in music videos and be on the cover of Redbook.   Redbook.   Fucking Redbook.    

Look at it!  Look at it!

Excuse me, ma'am?

Nothing against the magazine itself, and if you're doing the photo shoot to try to bang 47 year old housewives, hey, good for you.   But when you BECOME one of those 47 year old housewives (see above picture), that's when Savages tend to take notice (and laugh and laughhhhhh).  

It takes a lot for an 80s hair band rocker to look MORE effeminate now than then.   But the Jove succeeded.  His/Her saving grace is that his/her music has been good for a long time. And that goes a long way.  Which is much more than can be said for this thing...

(more on Poison's shittiness to come)

SavageSpeak: Meatpig

You're probably asking yourself, "What the hell is a meatpig?" Well, sit down, stop bitching, and I'll tell you.

Both these photos of the great big fat person from that ladyshow about some magical island illustrate many of the more obvious characteristics of the fabled beast. Observe and retain for future use.

A meatpig is SavageSpeak for a type of "person," at least biologically. The first, and perhaps most vital, requirement of being a meatpig is being fat. Hygiene, or lack of it, is important as well. Meatpigs sweat...ohhh do they sweat. But something that separates meatpigs and regular folk is that meatpigs don't even have the goddamn common courtesy to shower.

Facial grease goes a long way too toward being a meatpig. Not the pseudo-makeup grease they wear in Pirates of the Caribbean, but actual pore drippings. Their face will resemble the waxed skin of grocery store fruit if you have the misfortune of getting up close and personal with a meatpig. Don't dare touch it.

Meatpigs almost exclusively listen to metal, and definitely have an appreciation for classic rock. They're music snobs, which is queer for a group that undoubtedly sees their share of upturned noses when they walk down the street. Meatpigs LIKE to rock out to their music, violently "dancing" and/or yelling while listening to their anthems. Being at a metal concert with meatpigs wouldn't be that dissimilar from this situation:

A true meatpig enjoys having long hair. It's also recommended, although not necessarily required, that a meatpig has hideous facial hair. This cannot be well groomed, instead opting for the revolting, bushy-neckbearded type of facial hair. Like the rest of their bodies, all hair is greasy and unkempt.

As far as clothing, meatpigs prefer them to be dark, and by all appearances, unwashed. A shirt with a band on it can be a good sign you're in meatpig territory. They'll inevitably own some sort of flannel as well, which can be worn at any occasion. As for footwear, meatpigs casually wear Airwalk-type sneakers...but their ultimate sign of meatpig-solidarity is strapping on a pair of combat boots. They're not at all opposed to pairing them with shorts, inevitably highlighting their too-fat calves.

Some other common traits of the untamed beast:

- virginity
- pigeon-toedness
- constant video game playing
- not being particularly skilled in any area, especially sports
- living with parents doesn't hurt
- social awkwardness
- anger at society/everything, stemming from herd rejection
- an affinity for soda, especially Mountain Dew
- an aversion to any kind of physical activity
- propensity for suicidal thoughts

Now, everything discussed above isn't necessarily going to be present in every meatpig you come across...but it's a hell of a start. Keep an eye out at your next Megadeath concert.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Reaction to the Carmelo Anthony Trade

Wow...Carmelo Anthony got many thoughts run through my head, but I'd have to say the most prominent is...............who gives a rat's good fuck? Not the Savages, I assure you.

Basketball rules. The NBA sucks.

Things That Don't Get Made Fun of Nearly Enough: Sammy Sosa

We know Slammin Sammy already gets quite a bit of laughs/insults thrown his way. But we ask, is it enough? How could anyone that tries to make this transformation and attribute it to some "cosmetic cream" NOT be a Savage-target? I mean, look at this damn fool for God's sakes:

If you'll notice, even on the left more "normal picture," he looks like something that slinked out of a late night Cartoon Network special. On the right, the ridiculousness is just beyond words. Well, not literally beyond words. Just let your Soul Glo, Sammy.

Consider this Sammy Sosa's induction into the the always-growing canon of Savage-targets. Lord knows he ain't gettin inducted into anything else anytime soon.

Celebrity Questions - Take 4

Angelina Jolie
Just move to makes the whole process much easier

Bud Selig
You've really just screwed the pooch all these years, haven't you?

Mike Rowe
Do you wear your hat in the pool too?

Sam Elliott
Do you ever get tired of being so awesome?

Quentin Tarantino
Dude...stop twitching

Topher Grace
Can you PLEASE do us all a favor and find another career already?

Hillary Clinton
Fuck off

Rosie O'Donnell
You look/act/probably smell like a cross between a stepped-on potato and a giant lesbian mule

Monday, February 21, 2011

Jeff Goldblum: The Godfather of Seduction

Some actors just know how to play on their strengths. Clint Eastwood had the grizzled tough guy down to a science. Joe Pesci could play the Italian New Yorker with one hand tied behind his back. Jeff Goldblum apparently just lets his freak flag fly. To kick things off, Mr. Goldblum has not one, but two scenes of him being inexplicably scantily-clad and brandishing his trademark "come hither" face:

"I was not pure. The teleporter insists on inner pure. I was not pure. "

See, in Exhibit One, from The Fly, he's about to be tranformed into a goddamn fly(!) for unspecified reasons (simultaneously flaunting society's formality of "clothes"). Always the diva, Mr. Goldblum has to fix his mane of flowing hair before having his snapshot taken. Even insects gotta look fly (ba-dum PSHH). Not even Geena Davis himself can resist the Goldblum/bug hybrid. Let's move on to Exhibit Two:

"That is one big pile of shit."

Really, what is there to say here? Is this a scene from Jurassic Park or is Mr. Goldblum auditioning for a role in the rumored Top Gun sequel? Like a peacock showing his feathers, Mr. Goldblum gets down to business here and lets everyone know exactly who's on the hunt. Remember those restrictive eyeglasses from earlier in the movie? Gone. Notice the suggestively placed railing? That ain't no accident. And, for the coup de grace, Mr. Goldblum plays the age-old but proven "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" card and says to hell with buttoning up his shirt. If I'm not mistaken, there's even a hint of "Oops, I forgot to shave and now suddenly look like a smoldering lumberjack." I guess the only real question is...who is this playful little masquerade aimed at? The lesbian paleontologist? Dr. Grant? Nedry? The girl?.......................the boy? Whoever it is, they're about to be on the receiving end of some good old-fashioned chaos theory.

And, as a bonus, if you don't think Mr. Goldblum is versatile, check out the game he's running here:

"It's like in chess...first, you strategically position
your pieces...and when the timing is right... you strike."

After finding himself on the prowl for the first time in years after his slightly more feminine life partner gets blown up (the portly bearded gentleman who theatrically decided to forgo telling his lawyer of the impending alien attack), he sets his sights on a more exotic target. Sure, he can play the nerdy second fiddle for the better part of the movie, but eventually, he's gonna let his gold bloom. In this screenshot from the aptly-named Independence Day, he lies in wait for his moment to pounce upon the aloof, arrogant, and deeply-in-the-closet hero of the film. All he needs is a cigar, a bottle of whiskey, and the chance to be with The Fresh Prince thousands of miles away from any other human being in existence. This all conveniently comes to fruition not long after this snapshot, luring his prey in with his gentle, knowing advice of "Forget the fat lady. You're obsessed with the fat lady!" morphing into thunderous commands to his newfound black steed of "Must go faster! Must go faster! Must go faster! Go, go, go, go!" The rookie had no chance against this coy queen's patented smooth operating.

In case you're not convinced, I'll leave you with this little snippet from another Goldblum classic, Igby Goes Down. That's right, that's the actual name of the movie. Before Mr. Goldblum signed on, it was simply titled "Igby." Need I say more?