15 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Neighbor Utter on a Long Plane Ride

-"Wanna share pillows?"
-"That spicy Indian food I just had in the airport was gooooood."
-"Meet me in the lavatory in 10...bring an extra shirt."
-"Are you a fan of ventriloquy?
-"I'm a sweater...big time."
-"Can I borrow your shoes?"
-"This is my connection flight to Boston."
-"I better make sure I know where my airsickness bag is."
-"You're not allergic to excessive amounts of Drakkar Noir, are you?"
-"I bet you're a screamer."
-"Meet my newborn baby."
-"How much extra room are you gonna have in your hotel room?"
-"I forgot my muzzle."
-"You're probably gonna wanna keep your distance."
-"Hi, I'm Dane Cook."

(for kicks, insert any of Randy, Ben, or Fred Savage into that last one)

Five Annoying Office Personalities

Anybody who's worked in any office anywhere will immediately recognize these 5 scumbags.  Let's get to it.

The Out-Of-Place Goober:  We all know this one.   The person who everyone wonders "just how in the hell did this nitwit get hired again?" about.   They don't belong in a professional environment.  They belong cleaning up some kid's public vomit session in the toy aisle of walmart.  You ask a question?  They give a stupid answer whose only relation to the question is that they were both uttered in the same room.  There's food in the conference room?  They're pouring some into their purse to bring home to their 9 kids for tonights "dinner" (probably better than their usual dinner of skittles and dollar store peanut butter).  And phone calls?  Please.   Hearing these mental defectives "talk" on the phone is like listening to a late night call-in show on a redneck version of QVC.   And let's not forget...let's NOT forget...their hygiene.  You do have some sort of running water at your house right?  I mean, you don't have to come into the office smelling/looking like you just jumped into a pile of pig shit do you?   The world (especially mine) would be a better place if these people just took their GED back to the graveyard shift at Denny's.  At least most people there at that time of the night are too drunk to care.  

The Pop Culture/Gossip Queen:  Oh how obnoxious.  These people might fall more on the pop culture side or more on the gossip side, but they're essentially the same person. You know, I'd love to sit at my desk and knock my work out, perhaps surf the internet a little...WITHOUT having to learn about who just blew who on the latest installment of (insert random infantile reality show here).   You don't see me telling everyone within a 50 cubicle radius about what I watched on HBO last night.  Nobody gives a fuck.  These are also the same people who insist on talking about people in the office like we're part of one big episode of Friends.  Just mind your own business.  Plus, we all know the only thing that mattered on Friends was Rachel and you're not her.  And  yes, we know you got "so wasted" last Friday...the whole town knows.  We don't need a verbal reenactment of your debauchery.  And if we must be subjected to it, at least make some shit up so it's remotely interesting.

The One Who Won't Shut The Fuck Up About Work:  You know this person.  You go on break, you have a casual one-on-one chat with somebody.  What do you normally talk about?  The kids?  Sports?  What's going on in your respective lives?  Nah, not this dickhead.  Know what they talk about?  The last report that just came out.  The new breakroom policy.  How they're not going to make their next deadline. How their latest report just did so awesome and everybody loved and blah blah friggity blah.  And they literally won't stop.  Please, give me a break from this stuff for 10 minutes.  And if you're going to killjoy my ass, at least have the goddamn common courtesy to bring me a knife so I can mercifully slit my wrists.  All I keep thinking about when this person is yapping is "what if i punched them in the face right now?".  Ever wonder that?  You will now.

The Slackass:  This retard really pisses everyone off.  They may even be the nicest person to talk to.  They might be an asshole.  Doesn't matter.   What does matter is that they don't get their shit done on time.  Don't even try.  Hell, even the Out-Of-Place Goober tries.  I'm guessing that most of the time this person sits at their desk and explores the inside of their colon with their thumb.  The big deadline approaches?  They've barely started.  You need help on a project?  They're too busy calling in sick again.  Waiting for a meeting to start? Wait a little longer because this douche had to go make a 30 minute personal call while chain-smoking 12 camels.  They make the department look bad.  They make most of the office look bad.  And most of all, they can make you look bad.  Avoid association at all costs.

The Whiny Bitch:  Look, we're in an office.  It ain't an amusement park.  Unfortunately, we're here to work and we realize it sucks.   But do we really have to listen to this person complain about each and every thing that happens to transpire in a day?  You can hear them huffing and puffing at their desk.  You get to stand there when they make snide comments to you about a new policy being announced.  You get to hear them at their desk talking to one of their fellow rotten complainers just whining about any possible thing.  You get to hear them in a meeting saying how ridiculous something is and how they shouldn't be treated like this.  Treated like what?  You're at work.  What would you like, to hire a professional next time to come in and give you some oral during the meeting?  The only time you don't hear them complaining is when there's free cake in the conference room.  All of a sudden it's a great place to work and they're the first one in line to stuff their face.  Hey, at least it got them to shut the hell up for a while.


All right, I'm off my soapbox now.  Continue with your day.

Excuses NOT To Hang Out With You

Savages are dicks, if you haven't noticed already.    So whenever somebody asks you to hang out with them (or make out with them as the case may be), whether it be creepy stalker or annoying acquaintance, we thought we'd take the pressure off you and provide you with some ready-made excuses.  You're welcome.   Because who wants to hang out with morons anyways?

They all start the same.    Well....I'd love to, but:

-I have to run for political office
-I have to host a telethon
-I have to get my period
-I have to rewrite the lyrics to "Are You Gonna Go My Way"
-I have to pee my pants
-I have to drive my grandmother across the street
-I have to wonder what it's like to have the blues
-I have to name my appliances
-I have to have a staring contest
-I have to make people uncomfortable
-I have to dry-hump the dog
-I have to cut the nipples out of my shirts
-I have to run away with the circus
-I have to do surveillance of the local public restrooms
-I have to write my weekly letter to Bon Jovi
-I have to see if somebody more important called
-I have to clean my aluminum foil
-I have to count my sesame seeds
-I have to buy erasable pens
-I have to learn how to read
-I have to be seduced in a Jeff Goldblum movie
-I have to respond to a wedding invitation
-I have to join a support group
-I have to watch my back goatee grow
-I have to put all my clocks back 3 hours and 42 minutes
-I have to finish my science experiment
-I have to take pictures of my dentist
-I have to put my head in the toilet
-I have to see what's in my belly button
-I have to cut napkins into little tiny squares and arrange them
-I have to get the pencil out of my dog
-I have to shit myself
-I have to hang out in the woods by the playground
-I have to replenish my basil
-I have to climb a tree
-I have to shave my canker sore
-I have to drive to Long Island
-I have to wait for my testicle to descend
-I have to do something better
-You scare me and you look like a pedophile