5 Stupid Car Accessories

We've all seen these markers on society's path toward ever-increasing mental infancy. You're driving along in your car on a quick trip out to get cigarettes.   And what goes by you doing 75 in a 45?  Some sort of gaudy monstrosity that makes you shake your head and wonder "wow, people would really rather have stupid shit than their money".   Now we all like to do this and that to our car or truck, but come on now, does EVERYONE need to know that you'd rather spend your cheddar on stupid car accessories than on just paying the psychologist directly to settle your daddy issues, small-dick issues, napoleon syndrome, loser syndrome, new money syndrome, and/or mid-life crisis?   Here's a few examples we'd rather seen thrown back on the field...

Ridiculous Spoilers:  First and foremost, unless you are literally at the track and have a membership in the NHRA, you do not need a spoiler.  And more importantly, your suburbanite car certainly doesn't need a spoiler.  You know who does?  Top fuel dragsters cranking out around 8000 horsepower   You know who doesn't?   You driving to the mall in your Civic.  Plus, it blocks my view.  Get rid of it.  People laugh at you.


Annoyingly Loud Audio System:  Ok listen here asshole, I DON'T want to hear/feel your music.  Do you recall me pulling up alongside you and requesting that you crank your shit-music up to ear-piercing decibels?  I don't remember it either.  If I wanted my brain to vibrate, I'd go to a concert and make sure I passed out right on top of the speaker itself.  I don't think some old lady 5 miles away has to be thrown out of her bed by the sonic blast of your Accord's subwoofer. Cool...you like rap music. Now like it quietly.  Those people turning their head on the street aren't turning it to see who the approaching macho man is...they're turning it to get a glimpse of a moron.

Immensely Lifted Truck:  Really?  Does your morning drive along the highway to your cubicle at Initech necessitate that the cab of your F-250 only be reached via a stepladder?  Where exactly are you going, cowboy?  There can't be THAT many people who work on the summit of a double black diamond mountain around here...especially since there isn't even "a" mountain within reasonable driving distance. And I'm not 100% positive, but the monster truck rally is over, so...what would ya say...ya need this for?  Oh right, you have a little pecker.   Don't worry, we're all fooled by your choice of Grave Digger as a method of transportation.  And by the way...nothing says "offroading" like a pair of chinos and a double soy latte.  Putz.

Neon Lights:  Ok this is just plain retarded.  So there I am...in my car, and what drives up next to me?  A friggin neon blue sun.  As if the neon glow from every strip mall and fast food eatery I pass at night isn't enough to make my brain just want to give up, I now have acne-boy next to me making sure I'm seeing everything in shades of blue for the next few days.  Ya don't work at a carnival do ya?  Stop driving one.  To add insult to injury, this stupid car accessory is almost always coupled with the aforementioned annoyingly loud audio system.   And just a further tip, if you feel like you absolutely have to infect the world with this nonsense, please spend more than $30K on your car.  Nothing against your '99 Camry, but the neon doesn't match the missing paint.

Fake Bullet Holes:   Every time I see these, I wonder what's going through people's heads.  They must either think that A. we actually believe they're some sort of hardass suburbo-gangsta who just came back from a drug run in East St. Louis or B. they're just so clever and that we'll be amazed at their hipness when we see their bullet-ridden Neon drive by.  Wrong on both accounts.  You look like a douche.  My only hope is that one day the lifeguard will be back on duty at the gene pool and the bullet holes will be real.