Mallrats Perspective: Willam

1:00 AM:  Fall asleep after playing 6 hour marathon of Wolfenstein

1:30 AM:  Wake up and eat 3 orders of cheese fries...spill some on shirt

1:31 AM:  Fall back into fatsleep and dream about not being able to see sailboat in 3D picture at mall

9:00:         Roll out of bed and take a massive steaming nuke on the lawn...don't shower...get excited about big day planned staring at 3D picture

9:30:         Show up at mall with bag lunch (which is a mysteriously small bag considering...ya know)...wear same shirt as night before

10:00:       Eat more cheese fries...spill more on shirt

10:10:       Get mad at Brodie and T.S. for interrupting...give them some righteous information on game show stage

11:00:       Stare at 3D picture...urinate pants

11:30:       Get irritated that children want to look at picture too...laugh at and ridicule small child for saying they saw a schooner...get put in place by 7 year old...feel dumb...ruin Easter for all children within earshot by giving up the gig on the Easter Bunny

12:00:        Eat entire lunch in one disgusting inhalation, including bag

12:01-2:30:  Alternate between staring at 3D picture and sleepfarting through the afternoon

2:35:          See Brenda from 90210...be called a dick...wonder why

3:10:          Get uber-frustrated at 3D picture, kick stage, and unknowingly play major role in ruining gameshow...leave mall, stopping at the cookie stand (not in the food court) on the way out

3:30:          Get home and take a massive steaming nuke on the lawn

4:00:          Eat 12 beef-n-cheddars

4:05:          Look up meaning of schooner...feel dumb again

4:05-12:00:  Play 8 hours of Wolfenstein

12:00:        Pass out face down on floor in same dirty shirt

All Night:    Dream of alleged sailboat in 3D picture and get pissed off in sleep

Album Cover Captions: Mike Terry

-"Do you like my chandelier robe?  I have the matching vibrator in me right now"

-"My music is the worst of all time"

-"You're reading that right, there was a volume 1"

-"I'd like to suck a bag of dicks"

-"If you can believe it, I had an incredibly bad childhood"

-"People say listening to my music is what Hell feels like"

-"There's skeet on this shirt"

A Declaration of War: Part 2

When we set the internet ablaze a little while ago with some harsh words for a couple of a arrogant Hollywood superstars, we let everyone know that the dickhead above would be next. Now it's time.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage. Look at this thing. It's like a neon and bearded supernova exploded and spilled onto an attention-starved cowboy, and this damn fool was born. If you've heard it "talk," then you're familiar with its feeble-minded persona. The more it opens its mouth, the dumber the world feels. Just for shits and giggles, take a peek at its rap(!) lyrics (aimed at the slightly less ridiculous Hulk Hogan):

Hollywood Hulkster, you're at the end of your rope,
And I'ma kick ya in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap,
Cuz like Rodney Dangerfield you gets no respect,
So come, Hulk, let's wreck so I can put you in check.

Let it be known that there are no typos in the above "rhymes." Just poor diction and stupidity at its purest. We know, it can't be ALL bad...it DOES champion Slim Jims, so that's gotta count for something (Savages LIKE Slim Jims). That aside, it's a complete disgrace to the Savage name even on looks alone...and is hereby banished from Savage Kingdom. We leave you with this parting revelation:


Hey, I thought the Old Man Marley post was earlier...