1920s: Be born as Baby Marley
early 1930s: Get beat repeatedly by stone-cold iron father in his attempt to "toughen up the child"
mid 1930s: Discover advanced natural talent to wield snow shovel as weapon
late 1930s: Murder stone-cold iron father and two clerks at Woolworth's over unfortunate incident regarding a shovel. Eat father's heart. Appoint self Young Man Marley. Go on the lam.
1940s: Spend time in Chicago-area sewers living off of rats and homeless people to avoid Johnny Law.
1950: Write beautiful poetry in Martha's Vineyard.
1950s: Spend time in Chicago-area sewers living off of rats and homeless people to avoid Johnny Law.
early 1970s: Shave, go legit and get job at hardware store in Chicago suburbs
1976: Develop affinity for young boys and buy house in Chicago suburbs
1980s: Transform into Old Man Marley...begin creepily leering at Kevin McAllister. Consummate secret butt-affair with Buzz. Buy Buzz a tarantula.
1990: Freak neighborhood kids out in attempt to lure Kevin into trap. Constantly and conveniently be out in yard when Kevin is outside. Stare in Kevin's window. Even more conveniently be at church when Kevin is there. Get wood. Speak to Kevin and make up story about granddaughter and not talking to son. Follow Kevin home. Create entire robbery scheme (including paying off robbers) simply to be able to "rescue" Kevin from the bad men. Bring Kevin home so as not to scare him off just yet. Pay actors to pose as son and family so Kevin can see "the reunion". Leer at Kevin one last time for now, as if to say "This spider just caught hisself a fly.."
2001: Move to Costa Rica with Buzz after repeated failed attempts at wooing Kevin McAllister.
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