Friday, February 25, 2011

5 Deceivingly Wholesome Sitcom Characters

Sometimes, they live out in the open, barely even trying to hide the fact that they're up to no good (I'm looking at YOU, ice cream men, substitute teachers, and shopping mall Santas). Others, you have to look just a little closer. Although the following sitcom characters may seem harmless, you have to ask yourself, just what the hell is going on behind closed doors? It should also be noted that ALL of them conveniently shoehorn themselves into a life in close proximity to kids.

Wilson from Home Improvement: This guy's a pervert if there's ever been one. If the Taylor kids are outside playing in the yard, you can bet your life that this degenerate is leering over his fence. The fence is also advantageous in that Wilson can hide the fact that he's almost certainly pantless a vast majority of the time. In typical felon fashion, he's cautious never to unveil his entire face at any given moment, and his shabby "dead wife" story is borderline believable at best. He even resorts to classic tactics such as only revealing vague details about his past life, and rarely, if ever, getting laid by an adult throughout almost a decade of screen time. Leaving a trail of emotionally-scarred children in his wake, he shows little to no remorse while dishing out admittedly shitty advice to some idiot in a Detroit Lions T-shirt.

Joey Gladstone from Full House: Oh, what a strange little fella. Between living in a basement under a house full of unrelated children and hosting a kids' show, it's a real stretch of the imagination that this man avoids legal heat for the duration of the show. While proving to be a habitual loser with women, he appears to derive all his pleasure from spending time with people under the age of 9. When you make Bob Saget rank as the "second most frightening outcast of the show," you deserve a place on this list. As sinister as he is goofy, "Uncle" Joey's always willing to sacrifice his free time to visit the Tanner girls in their room wearing only pajamas and a smile.

Mr. Belvedere from (you guessed it) Mr. Belvedere: This fatty proves that even scuzzy Englishmen gotta get theirs. He answers an ad for a "nanny" and follows up by forcing his lavish lifestyle upon an unsuspecting American family. While his simple presence in any given room is enough to give a child nightmares for weeks, he spends the better part of the series pretending to cook and folding the children's unmentionables. His love-hate relationship with the youngest son, Wesley, drives the drama of the series, only to be ultimately cockblocked by Bob Uecker. By the by, did anyone even bother to check this beastly Brit's references?

Charles from Charles in Charge: Just read the theme song's lyrics for chrissakes:

New boy in the neighborhood,
Lives downstairs an
d it's understood.
He’s there just to take good care of me,
Like he’s one of the family.
Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights
And I sing, I want,
I want Charge in Charge of me.

Really? In charge of their days AND their nights? Their wrongs AND their rights? That's vulgar. And what's "understood?" If it wasn't for Charles' propensity to spend every waking minute with his effeminate-haired, repellent friend Buddy, we'd start to think this 20-something male's career choice of "babysitter" might be suspicious.

ALF from (you guessed it again) ALF: As, we're seeing, the 80's produced some vile sitcom characters, but this asshole might take the cake. Shamelessly schlepping around a child-occupied house completely naked, ALF shows us that some urges can indeed infect even those from other star systems. When he's not devouring feline (take that how you will), he passes his time dishing out uninspired one-liners and passive aggressively pursuing the family daughter. To top it off, at times during the series, he appears to be nothing more than a grown man wearing a poorly-constructed dog suit. How did he even end up living with this family you ask? Oh, he crashed into the garage of course...and upon seeing a goddamn alien in their home, this brood of suckers decided to let this ghoulish wisecracker live in their home indefinitely, never even raising an eyebrow at his astonishingly perfect grasp of the English language. We're left to ponder...did anyone actually catch the name of the planet ALF supposedly came from?


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