Saturday, February 26, 2011

Office Space Perspective: Tom Smykowski

1940: get born into a family of heart attacks

1965: buy short sleeve shirt and tie, unaware it will be the only wardrobe ever worn/needed

1966: take nap after being in awe after learning of the genius of the pet rock

1969: after years of brainstorming, steal someone's awful, simpleton idea of a "jump to conclusions mat;" do nothing about it despite own unjustified excitement over idea

1970s: have heart attacks

1980s: have heart attacks

1990: after getting fired from yet another office job, obtain a go-nowhere job with Initech

1993: stress out and eat salty foods while never partaking in physical activity

1995: have heart attacks

1997: barely exist and have secretary do the very few tasks associated with go-nowhere job at Initech

1998: after apparently doing nothing for the better part of the decade, freak out about impending job evaluation

later in 1998: finally open up to co-workers about admiration for inventor of pet rock, as well as claim to have thought of the "jump to conclusions mat;" get dismissively mocked and ridiculed for both

later in 1998: have above-stated job evaluation, become exceedingly angry and flustered, get outed for lack of any responsibility whatsoever, and subsequently get fired with absolutely no production decrease to the company at all

later in 1998: attempt to follow through with half-hearted suicide attempt; come up with lame, disappointing excuse when caught by passionless wife; back out of driveway and get crumbled into a piece of metal, enduring serious injuries

1999: throw party to celebrate injuries; finally consummate "jump to conclusions mat" idea, which turns out to be just as shitty in real life as in imagination

later in 1999: croak of massive coronary

2007: finally get buried after even family forgets to check on existence for 8 years


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