1940: get born into a family of heart attacks
1965: buy short sleeve shirt and tie, unaware it will be the only wardrobe ever worn/needed
1966: take nap after being in awe after learning of the genius of the pet rock
1969: after years of brainstorming, steal someone's awful, simpleton idea of a "jump to conclusions mat;" do nothing about it despite own unjustified excitement over idea
1970s: have heart attacks
1980s: have heart attacks
1990: after getting fired from yet another office job, obtain a go-nowhere job with Initech
1993: stress out and eat salty foods while never partaking in physical activity
1995: have heart attacks
1997: barely exist and have secretary do the very few tasks associated with go-nowhere job at Initech
1998: after apparently doing nothing for the better part of the decade, freak out about impending job evaluation
later in 1998: finally open up to co-workers about admiration for inventor of pet rock, as well as claim to have thought of the "jump to conclusions mat;" get dismissively mocked and ridiculed for both
later in 1998: have above-stated job evaluation, become exceedingly angry and flustered, get outed for lack of any responsibility whatsoever, and subsequently get fired with absolutely no production decrease to the company at all
later in 1998: attempt to follow through with half-hearted suicide attempt; come up with lame, disappointing excuse when caught by passionless wife; back out of driveway and get crumbled into a piece of metal, enduring serious injuries
1999: throw party to celebrate injuries; finally consummate "jump to conclusions mat" idea, which turns out to be just as shitty in real life as in imagination
later in 1999: croak of massive coronary
2007: finally get buried after even family forgets to check on existence for 8 years
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