Saturday, March 12, 2011

5 Animals We Wish We Could Have As Pets

We have our cats and our dogs and our kids, but what other animals do we sometimes find ourselves wishing we could wake up to and feed in the morning before enjoying a day of companionship? Ok, maybe you don't do that. But we do.

Any Big Cat: How awesome would it be to have a lion. Seriously, you would never once live in fear of your house being robbed. "Uhhh yeah, that house has an alarm system we can beat that, that woman there has a poodle and that's not a problem...but that house there has a fucking lion. Let's go somewhere else." While everyone else is teaching their pet how to sit or beg, you're sitting back and listening to the majestic king of the jungle wake up the neighborhood with his thunderous roar. And how awesome would it be for random salespeople? They'd never come to your house. And if they did...well you can't put a pricetag on that type of entertainment.

Elephant: You'd probably have to buy a bigger house, but hey, that's ok. You have an elephant. Provided you have a big backyard where it can go shit, you're home free. You really don't even need a car anymore. What, you have to run to the grocery store? Hmm...take the car....or ride up to the supermaket like some sort of modern Tarzan? Easy choice. And old people who drive 2mph through the parking lot become a non-issue. They may not move for your Volvo, but rest assured they'll push their bunion-covered foot down on the gas pedal when you roll up behind them in one of these bad boys. Elephant: zero to awesome in 1.2 seconds.

Shark: Yeah, I know you can have a pet shark. But I'm not talking about one of those miniature saltwater tank jobs. I mean a SHARK. A fucking great white or tiger shark. Anytime anyone pisses you off, you can bring out your inner Dr. Evil and have them ceremoniously dumped right into the shark tank. Free food. And since it's your shark, it's not going to hurt you (obviously..pffft). Know what that means? That means Sea World's "Swim With The Dolphins" schtick just got a competitor. Nothing against dolphins, but how much more badass would it be to don the wetsuit and ride Jaws around the local pool. Fuggetaboutit.

Polar Bear: Come on, they're adorable. Don't tell me you've never been at the zoo near the polar bear exhibit and didn't want to jump right in and give one of these big guys a hug. Granted, they would literally tear your face off, but that's no problem when it's yours. If you live up north, wintertime just got a whole lot more fun. Road's snowed in? No worries...just hop on the back of your polar bear and off you go to traverse all that mother nature can throw at you. You come back home and want to warm back up? What better way than to lay against this living white pillow and curl up with a good book. If you teach it right, your new companion will probably even go catch some fish from the neighborhood lake for you guys to grill up that night. Plus, they're just so damn cute.

Emeril Lagasse: This furry animal can cook and he's consistently entertaining. Who wouldn't want him out in the yard able to come whip up some crawfish etouffee at a moment's notice. Oh you have a craving for some chili? Why bother going to the trouble to get all the ingredients and chop them all up when you can go to the crate, fetch Emeril, and he will do it for you? Your cat certainly isn't going to top that. Plus, I'm sure you can teach Emeril to scratch a post and play with a ball on the end of a feather if you're into that kind of thing. (Savage note: Emeril rocks)

1 comment:

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