Sunday, March 13, 2011

Fast Food Overdose: The 5 Immediate Steps To Recovery

Fast food.  Let's face's horrible for our bodies.  It's unidentified ingredients tear up our insides like a bullet through gelatin.  Unfortunately, we all eat it.  Preferably in moderation, but that doesn't always happen.  And that also means we're all familiar with these 5 steps immediately following the ingestion of too much fast food.  Let's discuss.

1.  The Initial Gross Feeling:  Ok so you went to Taco Bell and had 7 tacos and 2 chicken quesadillas (you can insert any random fast food restaurant meal here).  You're sitting there at the restaurant with cheese on your cheek and wrappers all over the floor. Your stomach feels like you just injected it with antifreeze.  You're sweating grease. Your teeth hurt.  And you can't be sure, but you think you feel something crawling back up your throat.  This is when you take stock of your life.  You hate your existence.  You may be full, but you pretty much want to die.

2.  The Overwhelming Need To Pass Out:  You somehow get home from your jaunt to the Bell and head immediately for the couch, ignoring the fact that you're about to stain it with copious amounts of beef grease.  But down you go like a tree being sliced down in the middle of the forest.  And you don't really sleep per pass into a state of existence that feels like being crushed by 1000 pounds of synthetic meat.  It's not pretty, but your body needs to devote all resources to your stomach right now.  No time or energy for brain function.

3.  The Diarrhea From Hades:  You're sleeping...and're awoken by the feeling of a brown tank of nastiness plowing through your lower intestine.  As you run through the house on your trip to the latrine, you clench with the utmost vigor and strength, praying that you don't spray your hardwood floors by accident on the way there. And then sweet relief.   You question why you're even living. You question the existence of God.  But at least the horrible beast that was in you has vacated.

4.  The Low Plateau:  Now that you've made the bathroom unenterable for the next 3 months, you go sit down.  This is waiting for the smoke to clear.  This is a quiet time. You don't want anyone to speak and you certainly don't want to think about anything more advanced than just breathing.  You want your body to just stop vibrating and the earth to stop moving.  Two hours later, it does.  And you realize you need a bath.

5.  The Shower Bounceback:  Your skin needs to be cleaned of the film of fatty oil that's currently suffocating it.  You go shower and clog up the drain with grease (and somehow some ground beef that was still on you).  After slowly becoming a human being again, you realize that your body's war against your lunch has made you hungry. Unfortunately you spent so much time on the couch though that you forgot to go grocery shopping.  Looks like some McDonald's is in your immediate dinner future.

And THAT is how the cycle perpetuates itself...


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