Friday, March 11, 2011

5 Foods That Have No Business Ever Being Fat-Free

What's with the array of already-delicious foods being spoiled by the fat-free propoganda-pushers? Must everything have a healthier alternative at the expense of taste? We here at Savage Kingdom would of course prefer to NOT have our hearts explode...but we'll be damned if we're gonna eat shitty versions of perfectly gratifying grub. I mean, why even bother with fat-free tasteless imposters that are supposed to replicate greasy goodness? Why not just, ya know, opt to NOT eat anything, you orally-fixated glutton? Here's 5 beautiful foods that should NEVER be fat-free, regardless of what that diminutive psycho Tony Little will tell you:

Ice Cream: Seriously, are you even mildly familiar with what "cream" entails? Taking the fat out of this glorious frozen treat is a cocktease for the taste buds, and your body will never forgive you. If you're gonna go the health route here, you might as well just go with the always-disappointing handicapped cousin of ice cream...sherbet.

Butter: Really, do we even have to explain this one? I'll tell you what...imagine that you want to take something, like a great cut of meat or a delicious cake, and make it moister or creamier. Now, do it without fat involved in the equation at all. Can't do it, can ya? Oh, and just for shits and giggles...try to spread some fat-free alternative on your toast...hope you like giant holes in your bread and accidentally stabbing your finger.

Cheese: Who's the nimrod who thought making this dairy delight fat-free would be a good idea? What the hell does one even use fat-free cheese for? As if I'm not already a little hesitant to dive into a food that's admittedly bacteria-ridden milk of a friggin different species, do I really have to second-guess myself on the actual health content here? Come on, let us enjoy this orgasmic fare without things like "nutrition" complicating matters.

Any Cookie Ever: Can you believe companies actually get away with labeling things "guiltless?" Think about's fuckin low and insulting to boot. What about the rest of us who ARE eating the full-fat Oreos? You don't think I'm well aware what I'm doing to my body by wolfing down a box of Entenmann's? Trust me, I made my peace with that going in...and I'm fine with it. Besides, the "guiltless" crap just replaces the fat with sugar...don't think we don't know what you're up to, Richard Simmons and Jenny Craig.

Potato Chips: Okay, full disclosure...I've never been a victim of fat-free chips. But I have read the horror stories. You mean to tell me that not only do consumers want taste AND health simultaneously...but they're actually willing to tough out a night of this just for some guilt-free potato munching? Perhaps you should consider eating the real stuff and simply NOT devouring the entire bag and/or sleeve in one sitting. Pig.

Oh, and by the way, what's with sugary candies that obviously don't have any fat in them touting the fact that they're fat-free? Is this a joke? Who's the egghead who's actually relieved at this grand revelation...did ya really have to be told that the goddamn Tic Tac doesn't have any fat in it?

God, writing this post has made me hungry.


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