1967: Roll out of whale's vagina into ocean
1968: Decrease population of edible living organisms in Atlantic Ocean by a factor of 30
1972: Come on land for first time.
1975: Eat small child at local elementary school
1980: Eat large child at local middle school
1980: Sweat profusely due to standing for longer than 10 seconds
1981: Single-handedly sustain business of 3 local McDonald's, a Denny's, and two Bonzo Burgers
1982: See split second of "feet" for the first time during fall down stairs
1983: Catch Coach Bobby Finstock with nudie pics of Stiles and blackmail him into allowing whaleself onto basketball team
1984: Somehow make starting roster and realize this high school has to have literally the worst athletes of all time...ever
1985: Rip seam of shorts repeatedly
1985: Notice one of team members is a fucking werewolf(!) yet nobody seems to care. Say "fuck it"
1985: Begin to resent said werewolf for stealing the show. (Yet at same time feel extreme satisfaction and relief at not having to run up and down the court anymore...damn that's far)
1985: Be picked up at police station by foster parents after beating the shit out of Burger King employee for refusing to make a 14-patty burger
1985: "Play" pivotal game against the Dragons without werewolf, but rather skinny loser
1985: Make important basket with literally the worst athletic technique of all time. Make stupid arrogant face in celebration
1985: Realize that quite possibly the best 80s movie montage song of all time is playing in the background, Win In The End, by Mark Safan
1985: Win championship and celebrate by eating the mysteriously named "Boof". Like...literally eating
1986: Eat burgers
1987: Croak from massive coronary (don't think we have to explain why)
1987: Be put back out to sea during memorial service sponsored by White Castle
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