Thursday, March 10, 2011

Question: What do you get when you cross White with Orange?

Answer: A couple of grown men in matching suits...and a whole lotta sexual tension.

We here in Savage Kingdom love Reservoir Dogs. I mean, LOVE it. That said, the unnatural relationship between Mr. White and Mr. Orange in this all-male classic merits a closer look. Sure, it may seem normal at times, but other times, it sure as hell seems like Mr. White is trying to impose a roles-ironically-reversed "Cops & Robbers" pursuit with Mr. Orange. In his defense, Orange ain't exactly fightin it either.

When the 2 men meet, White instantly takes to Orange like a fish to water. In no time, he's spilling his real name to Orange and joining him to "get a taco." Things were getting steamy in Mr. White's life, perhaps for the first time in a long time. After all, he hadn't seen his quite-possibly-made-up love interest "Alabama" in a year and a half. Juices were starting to stir inside...

Then, the unthinkable happened. Some woman shoots poor lil Orange. That's when things just get weird (and somewhat intimate) between the 2 identically-dressed tough guys. While Orange is bleeding to death in White's backseat (cinematic metaphors abound) and simultaneously screaming the name of his beloved "Larry," White reaches back and the men proceed to hold hands...

While Orange is in agony, White pounces on this opportunity to sing to his fallen comrade and make Orange smile with flirtatiously catty jokes. When they finally get back to the safehouse, White tenderly embraces Orange's head and COMBS HIS HAIR. As if the scalp caressing's not overt enough, he goes on to whisper softly into Orange's ear, to which Orange responds with boyish giggles of glee. At this point, it's blatantly obvious that this ain't no brotherly love. The shit's on now.

While Orange bleeds out into unconsciousness, God only knows what White gets busy doin'. If it wasn't for the unknowingly cockblocking Mr. Pink, White would quite probably be acting out the apparent true meaning of Like a Virgin on Orange. White, while possibly sensing that his new flame might not be long for this world, turns his crosshairs toward the healthier Mr. Pink, even going as far as trying to force the ole "I'll tell you my real name if you tell me yours" schtick. The tension mounts when Pink does not reciprocate the advances, which decidedly does NOT make White happy. When Mr. Pink starts shouting and yelling accusatory remarks about who might be the rat, White jumps into protection mode and lets his inner Mother Hen take over, furiously kicking Pink on the ground in a comically-resembling-a-dance-number circle. When Mr. Blonde makes his grand entrance and delivers quite possibly the most phenomenal antagonistic one-liner in movie history, the newly-appointed "little doggy" responds in typical bitch fashion and throws a false chest-puffing tantrum. The outburst ends up not going anywhere, if you can believe it.

A dead hostage and a shot-to-shit Mr. Blonde later, White finds himself defending Orange's honor yet again to a couple of fat pieces of shit (Joe and Nice Guy Eddie, who's curiously fashioning what appears to be a woman's windbreaker and painted-on cowboy jeans). "Larry" even goes as far as to warn the invasive intruders that they'll be next if they kill Orange. They fail to heed White's threats (honestly, can you blame them?) and both miraculously get their asses clipped by the Cupid-struck White. Although he's been shot himself, White remarkably crawls over to the near-dead Orange and cradles him.

The movie ends with Mr. White gently holding Mr. Orange, only for it to be revealed that Orange is an undercover cop. Upon hearing this heartbreaking news, White responds to this deceit as predictably as Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory. After a couple minutes of high-pitched infantile squealing and soaking Orange in tears, the scorned lover decides that life is not worth living anymore, and follows through with what is essentially a murder-suicide. Even though it didn't turn out as hoped, we can't help but think Mr. White's Rose-Dawson-esque love will last well into the afterlife. Fuckin creepshow.


  1. Bravo. Ofcourse, I'll be requesting fan fiction of the sorts.

  2. I just found this by accident and I am PISSING myself laughing. This is so spot-on, though. HAHAHAH.