SavageSpeak: Classic Male

In case you haven't yet noticed (you unobservant disphit), we love mustaches. Ya know, platonically of course. No, not the sissylike "ironic" mustaches that skinny-jeaned douchebags will sport...we're talking about the real thick strands of proud testosterone that would even make The Brawny Man piss his pants. (Speaking of which, have you seen the new Brawny Man? This guy looks like a fuckin loser. Compare him to the old school Brawny Man. That's the definition of raw power. And don't even get us started on that pompous Mr. Clean...the man's an obvious closet case.)

Anyway, now that you're in all-out mustache mode, you're ready to learn about the Classic Male. It's exceedingly rare to see one of these mustachioed relics in our everyday lives, but they're out there (almost certainly driving an older-model American muscle car of some kind). Of course, their heyday was really the 70s/80s and they're still essentially living in that era, but that's actually a crucial ingredient of what sets them apart from regular folks today. In addition to quite possibly the reigning king of the Classic Males, Tom Selleck, we'll show you a few more examples below on what to be on the lookout for:

Notice how they proudly wear their upper lip hair without a trace of self-consciousness? Also, be sure to observe how there's isn't a speck of facial hair outside of the stache itself. Being well-groomed is an enormous part of the Classic Male's pattern, and they take great pride in it. Confidence is an absolute must. You ain't gonna catch one of these guys bitching out over some frivolous crap. They're high rollers, and sweating the small stuff is for suckers.

These retro-style manly men like to think of themselves as refined ladies' men, even if they're most definitely not. They almost universally and unequivocally prefer to be alluded to as "gentlemen," and despite their well-manicured faces, have no need for a razor below the neckline. That's right, they'll even let their out-of-control chesthair peak its way out of their button-up Armani shirts, as if to throw out the mating vibe for any ladies in need of a classy, yet comfortably dangerous night. As for below the belt....oh it's a fuckin bush down there...and they prefer their women the same way. Body hair ain't an obstacle for these martini-drinking wildmen...but then again, few things are when you're living life in the fast lane.

Go ahead, see if you can come up with some examples yourself. They may seem like they should be obsolete...but they're not. The Classic Male certainly doesn't blend into his surroundings, so you'll KNOW when you see one. If you're still a little fuzzy on just what one looks like...I'm not gonna post a link or a picture...all I'll say is...Google "Gigolo Jess." But be warned...there are things you can't unsee...